An Imaginary Conversation Between Two Guys Waiting for the Bus After Leaving a Movie Theater

Originally posted at Facebook, 11/14/2010

“How could you hate that movie?”

“It was garbage, that’s how.”

“It’s giant robots. Beating each other up. What did you want?”

“See, you just described the premise. Obviously I LIKED the premise because I paid to watch the movie based on that premise. The problem is that the premise of the movie got held down and assaulted in uncomfortable places by inept filmmaking, hence its being a piece of garbage.”

“Christ you’re pretentious.”

“Tell me you know what that word means.”

“It means you act like you’re smarter than you are.”

“So you, the person trying to defend this pile of shit beacuse ‘It’s robots beating each other up what did you want.’ are using words like ‘pretentious’ because *I’M* trying to sound smarter than I am?”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have said ‘pretentious.’ I should have said ‘an asshole.”

“What?”

“As in ‘You’re an asshole.”

“For what? For disagreeing with you about shitty movies?”

“No, for being a dick who ruins fun things by overthinking them.”

“I’m not OVER-thinking anything. It’s just basic run-of-the-mill thinking.”

“Come on. You expect too much out of this sorta stuff. It’s not Citiz-“

“DO NOT FINISH THAT FUCKIN SENTENCE. Ugh.”

“What?”

“Have you even SEEN Citizen Kane?”

“I’ve seen parts of it. He named the sled after his girlfriend’s vag or something.”

“No. And no. No no no. No.”

“Yeah, I thought that was weird.”

“Look, I don’t go to see giant robot punching alien invasion men-on-a-mission overinflated greasy B-movies looking for Citizen Kane, man. I’d be an idiot if I did that. Nobody does that. Nobody in the history of the world ever bought a ticket to Freddy Vs. Jason and expected to see some John Gielgud level acting.”

“Wasn’t he in that porno? With M from James Bond?”

“No.”

“I heard Kevin Smith talk about it on Smodcast.”

“That was Caligula.”

“Yeah!”

“Helen Mirren.”

“What?”

“Helen Mirren was in Caligula. Judi Dench is M from James Bond.”

“I thought Helen Mirren was the elf chick.”

“The what?”

“From Lord of the Rings.”

“Which elf chick?”

“The one that was like ‘look into this birdbath!’ and then Frodo was like ‘that’s some scary shit’ and then she turns into Jennifer Lopez and is like ‘I am a terrible queen!’

“That’s Cate Blanchett.”

“Oh. Oh yeah.”

“It’s understandable. British women all look the same.”

“Yeah.”

“No they don’t, jackass, I was being sarcastic. How the hell you gonna confuse Judi Dench with Cate Blanchett?”

“Whatever.”

“That’s like confusing Nightmare on Elm Street with Citizen Kane, WHICH, by the way, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN.”

“So what?”

“So you literally don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know that I had fun watching this movie, and you didn’t, because you were too busy thinking about running mills or whatever.”

“Next time, when you ask me about a movie, and I surprise you by giving a shit about what happens in it, don’t tell me I expected too much, or that somehow I’m an asshole for wanting them to make good on the premise of their movie that I spent like 10 bucks to sit through. It doesn’t have to be Citizen fuckin Kane, either. I wanted more out of that movie than someone sticking a camera in front of the premise and letting it sit there like a limp dick.”

“So you’re saying we should watch gay porn.”

“Fuck you.”

“So you’re saying we should MAKE gay porn.”

“Shut up.”

“Silent gay porn?”

“Shut UP”

“Gay Porn for mutes is a pretty niche market, dude.”

“Gay Porn had better acting than the garbage we just watched”

“So you DO watch gay porn!”

“I now understand why you had no problems with the Giant Robot movie.”

“You are the pretentious-est.”

“Your mom is pretentious. How about that.”

“Lame.”

Published in: on 12/31/2010 at 5:55 pm  Comments (3)  

3 Comments

  1. Reminds me: that’s what some people expected from T2, that it would be nothing but robots beating on each other and would thus suck. I might still have the short-but-surprisingly-wrongheaded Cinefantastique article that said “Arnold’s a good terminator this time, so this film’s gonna be PG-13 and for family audiences! Call the terminator ‘Daddy’!” The piece also quoted someone anonymously who claimed to know about the production (but admitted he hadn’t read the script) saying “[the end]‘s just two robots beating on each other. Who cares?”

    That went through my mind when I saw Transformers and told myself, “It’s no T2.”

    Signed,
    Someone who when he first saw Cate Blanchett in 1997 thought “eh, she’s no Judy Davis.” WHAT WAS I THINKING?

  2. I work at a movie theatre, and sometimes while I’m at work, I have to urinate. So, of course, I go do so, and since we don’t have an employees-only restroom, I’ve got no choice but to urinate with the customers. When the first “Transformers” movie came out, more times than I can recall, I went to take a leak and overheard customers talking seriously about how “Transformers” was THE best movie they’d ever seen. I pissed up my fingers the first few times I overheard this. Luckily, pissy fingers can be cleaned, and even if they couldn’t be, they wouldn’t really prevent me from starting the projectors. I was better prepared for “Wrath of the Revenged of the Rise of the Fallen,” or whatever the fuck, but the movie sucked so much more than the first one did that preparation didn’t matter. When I overheard one Cletus-looking guy talk about how the movie “had plumb give [him] the chills,” there my fingers were getting all pissed up again. And while I am perversely looking forward to “Dark of the Moon” thanks to the good first trailer, I’m telling you now: I’m not drinking anything while I’m at work this July.

    Also, to the previous commentor: you were awesome in “Inglourious Basterds,” and I’m happy you won the Oscar.

  3. I am immediately more open to arguments that utilize gay porn to prove a point.


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